Get Up
by TheNobodyofaSOLDIER
Summary: [Levi x Anxious!Reader] - On the battlefield, soldiers collapse for many reasons, physically, mentally and emotionally. They have the choice, however, to pick themselves up.


[WARNING: possible triggers for self harm, anxiety or ritualistic behaviors]

"Get up."

You rubbed the sweat from your brow. Another embarrassing incident in training, and who stood before you? None other than that prodigy, Levi, with his two thug friends behind him. You just happened to be close by when the wires in your 3D Gear snapped and sent your body slamming into the nearest tree without warning. The collision felt almost bone crushing from the momentum, and your head certainly spun from every fluid in your skull jostling about, but it wasn't enough to keep you down.

It's not that you doubted your own abilities. Considering you trained your ass off as long as Commander Smith would allow, your improvements were finally beginning to show. However, these street rats made the skills you took so long to salvage and refine crumble before you.

However, Levi, by chance, witnessed the entire failure first hand. He was grounded anyway, so he casually made his way over to you and held out a hand.

"Get up," he said, bluntly. "Off your ass."

You almost opened your mouth to protest, hopefully saving what little dignity you had left. But, that would be pointless. He went out of his way to assist you, and you'd look like a bitch refusing. Swallowing the last bit of pride you carried, you took his offer and pulled yourself to your feet.

"Thanks," you half-way mumbled, brushing the leaves and grass from your wrinkled uniform.

With nothing more than a "tch" for a reply, he turned back on you and strode to his companions, the little red-headed waving at you happily. You half-heartedly returned the favor, your chin still ducked. With a short huff, you released your wires and jolted through the air again, utterly determined to get it right. You were focused and ready.

"Get up."

There you lay, tired and aching, leaning against the wall of the foyer. Your legs, drained of all their energy, couldn't even carry you to the girls' bunker. Instead, you pressed your back into the wall and hugged your knees to your chest. It was quiet, secluded, no one ever bothered you, allowing the torturous cycle of your mind to real through repeatedly.

Except that midget thug, Levi.

What was he doing here so late, breaking you from your train of thought? It wasn't like you owned the place, but the one night you really wished for solitude, he shattered it. Standing before you, pale eyes, devoid of all emotion, he held out a pale hand.

"What the fuck are you waiting for?" he demanded. "Get up."

Pressing your lips together, you resisted the urge to snap at him, spit at him, anything just so you could return to your rumination. But, the longer you stared him down, the less you felt like doing so. Perhaps he thought you were sore, or tired or even shit-faced and needed some help. Either way, you took his hand and allowed him to pull you up. Before you replied, he brushed by you, too lost in his own thoughts to even acknowledge your attempt to speak to him. As your stomach churned, you lowered your head, hair concealing your face. You couldn't decide if you were irritated or disappointed. Sure, you were relatively used to people walking on by when you suffered, and you felt a little gratitude towards the soldier for even acknowledging your existence. However, he should at least stick around long enough for you to express it. It took what? A mere second?

After watching him disappear into the shadows, you inhaled deeply and shuffled your way back to the comfort of your bed. Not that you wanted to anyway. When was the last time you even slept properly?

"Damn it, Levi," you mumbled. "You should've let me be."

"Get up."

The heavy rain droplets battered the contours of your hollow face. Another expedition gone wrong. Another friend devoured before your eyes. You saw it clearly; the horror in his eyes as he dangled from the Titan's mouth, reaching for any possible rescue that never came. No, you were not close, but you shared a few conversations in the dining hall, exchanged dreams, swapped light-hearted stories about your families. He told you about his girl, the love of his life that he would marry later this June.

You shuddered at the thought of a messenger knocking on her door and passing her whatever remained of him now, whether it be an arm or a leg or just the tattered patch from his uniform.

You stared up at Levi, barely able to comprehend those two simple words. The screams of your comrades still echoed in your mind, and flashes of red tainted its windows. Gripping the shallow cut in your abdomen, you wondered again why he even bothered. You saw the rage and sorrow dominating everything inside him, and you were fully away of the reason why.

He witnessed the death of his companions-Isabel and Farlan. No, they were his only friends, his family. A cheerful, energetic tomboy and a level-headed, focused lad. Both so young, both never receiving a chance to live a better life, facing the jaws of death all too young. He watched it all, calling his name, muttering their last good-byes. If it had been you, you never would have blamed him and yet, Erwin condemned him for his pride, burdening him furthermore with guilt along with the grief and fury.

No, his feelings were perfectly explained.

So, why did he bother offering his hand?

"Get up," he almost growled, still reaching his hand out to you.

Finally, trembling mildly, you grasped his bloodied hand and stood before him, a rush of blood to your head, causing you to lose your balance. For just a moment, you gazed into his colorless eyes, losing yourself in the depth of emotion hidden behind them. After speaking with the Commander, he silenced himself. But, his eyes still cursed everything in their wake, and the more you stared, the more you felt their stab.

Still, you felt no resentment.

Once you regained some composure, he released your hand and passed on by you without a word. After his presence disappeared from your senses altogether, your mind trapped you in a reel of memories.

"Get up."

Time continued on, and you trained harder and harder. At last, you reached your goal of becoming a Squad leader with a team of fine young soldiers following behind you. While you were sure of your benefits to the human race, worries never left the back of your consciousness.

"Am I doing this right?" you asked yourself. "Am I really qualified to do this? What if I lead my Squad to their deaths?"

You had seen many young and capable men and women die cruelly between then and now, and you sure as hell weren't ready to witness anymore. But, these lives were in your hands. Yours. Were you really strong enough to do this?

After another long session of training, you pressed your back into the tree and sunk to the ground, your thoughts revolving tumultuously. As another worry passed through, your heart increased in speed.

"Wasn't exercise supposed to relax me?" you grumbled.

Slowly, you brought a hand to your scalp and scratched at it mindlessly. Though no itch resided there, you felt the need to do this whenever worrying thoughts plagued you. You never really understood why but it always seemed to help. After a few rough abrasions through your locks, you dragged your nails down your head, over your face, down your neck and down the tender flesh of your forearm, leaving read trails behind. Quietly, you counted.

"1...2...3." And just as you hoped, the anxiety eased away. Three seconds was all you needed. With a deep sigh, you rested your head against the bark of the tree, relaxing in the shade, allowing the chilly window to cool you down.

Until...

"Get up."

Levi's low, monotonous voice snapped you from your trance.

"Lazy ass," he muttered under his breath.

You smirked in reply. Just as you expected from him. Once a scruffy ruffian of the streets, he rose to the level of Lance Corporal. However, he became known as Humanity's strongest soldier, a fighter with the strength of over a thousand men. Overtime, you grew to enjoy his company, along with the other Squad leaders of the Survey Corps. Still, out of all of them, you felt the smallest, the weakest, as if your acceptance as a Squad leader added little to nothing to the amazing set of soldiers they currently possessed. You were no genius, no prodigy, just an unusually hard worker, willing to give up meals and sleep just to further improve your skills. At the very least, they recognized this.

You became relatively good friends, including the foul mouthed, irritable Captain Levi. It was no surprise for him to stop in front of you in your current state and throw a smart crack.

"You gonna sit and rot all day or get up?" he asked, hand out stretched.

With a quick eye roll, you clutched his hand and practically jumped to your feet. "Anything to see your bright, smiling face," you chuckled deviously.

His face remained unmoved...and completely unamused. "Tch, brat."

Suddenly, your smile faded as his eyes landed on the long red marks along your arms, little white flecks of skin erect from being torn by your nails. Your heart raced, but you still thought fast.

"Just ran into another damn tree branch," you forced out a laugh and rubbed your head.

He seemed unconvinced and stared you down.

"You know me," you continued, perfectly concealing your nervousness. "Always getting into fight with inanimate objects!"

Though, this was true; despite your grace and capability with your 3D gear, you possessed a knack for bumping into almost everything (and everyone) lying in your wake. Anytime you arrived to a meeting covered in bruises or red marks, your companions laughed, dubbing you "the epitome of elegance." You never meant to. Your mind always seemed locked away in cycles of thought, busying and occupying you to the point of disregarding anything on the outside world. You could still laugh about it though. Your friends, never outright mocking you, laughed with you.

Still, Levi bore you with his stare, as if he refused to believe your flimsy excuse. Tiny beads of sweat seeped through the pores of your forehead, praying that he'd turn away. Your heart sighed with relief as he pivoted away and mumbled,

"Clumsy brat."

Taking a few shaky breathes, you acknowledged your safety. After he walked a bit a head, you followed. No one could learn your secret. No one could know about your inner struggles. What if they thought you were crazy? What if they deemed you unworthy of your title? What if they decided to send you to a mental ward? You'd become friendless, alone, with only your demons to accompany you.

"Shut up," you hissed to yourself as you vigorously scratched at your head. Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, your tongue still clicked as you softly spoke your mantra:

"1...2...3...1...2...3..."

All the way, unbeknownst to you, Levi's pale eyes shifted back at you and your desperate actions.

"Get up."

Another exhausting expedition. The fight to take back Trost. Had the Scouts not intervened, these young trainees might have been wiped out, despite their potential, their skills. The odds were still against them. Even with the Recon assisting them, great casualties were unavoidable. Rico Brzesnka of the Garrison watched her Squad perish today as they bravely protected Eren Jaeger, that boy who could transform into a Titan. They defended someone who could possibly kill them all or shine a new ray of hope on humanity. Would that be you one day? One of your Squad members nearly died. His head literally grazed against the Titan's teeth, and in a fit of rage, you lunged towards its mouth and pulled him out, jamming your sword in the back of its throat before it could respond.

It was a rash move, one that nearly cost your own life. But, was that not the job of a Squad leader? Protecting his or her subordinates? Leading them home safely? You swallowed hard, remembering the soldiers diving to their deaths to save their comrades, rocks crushing them and their blood splattering on the nearby buildings, Titans swallowing them whole or biting them in half. Lives were lost and what for? A mere sliver of hope, one that you couldn't fully depend on.

Shoving your hands in the basin, you rubbed your fingertips over the protruding veins, the cuts, the scrapes. You felt your own blood and the blood of others crawling along your skin, sending shivers up your arm, down your spine. The cold water didn't seem to help. The more you rubbed, the only difference you noticed was the rawness forming between your knuckles.

"1...2...3," you counted almost silently. "Damn it, I can still feel it...1...2...3. No, I didn't do it right," you bathed your hands in the cold water, massaging them over and over.

Finally, your heart felt some relief. Now, your hands were red and stinging. With a deep exhale, you leaned against the stone wall. You sank to the floor and closed your eyes. Sleep escaped you for the past few nights since the rescue. Perfectly understandable; everyone suffered from insomnia after a nerve rattling mission. Damn, you needed sleep. Resting your head against the back of your knees, you sighed deeply and closed your eyes. To your dismay, memories filtered through the surface of your mind. Slowly, your chest began to tighten; your stomach began to clench. The rushing blood burned through your veins, your pounding pulse pushing it through faster and faster. Your lungs constricted, shortening your breath. Sweat glossed over the skin of your cheeks and forehead. Instinctively, you brought shaky fingers to your temples and scratched.

"1...2...3...1...2-ah, fuck. 1...2-"

The anxiety refused to subside, so your breaths quickened.

"1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Why isn't this fucking working?! 1, 2-"

"Get up."

Startled, you jumped back a little and glanced up. Captain Levi stood before you, outstretched fingers waiting for your response.

It was as if he possessed some kind of sixth sense. Anytime you collapsed, no matter what the reason might be, an injure, an accident, simply tripping and falling, or sinking in defeat as you gave in to the monsters in your head, he always appeared ready to pick you up from where you fell.

Today was one of those days you especially appreciated it.

Little tears brimming and burning the rims of your eyes, you took his hand and stood before him. With your other hand still in a clawing position at your head, you smiled at him, filled with gratitude. His face stayed vacant, unreadable. Suddenly, causing you to yelp, he batted your hand away.

"Wha-?! What was that-?"

"Don't do that," he commanded. "Hurting yourself isn't gonna get you anywhere. "

A blush painted the apples of your cheeks. How long had he noticed this? "Uh-"

"If you need to bitch about something," he folded his arms across his chest. "you can come to me. I'm not one to hide what's on my mind. If you don't get some of that shit out of your system, you're gonna explode."

He did have a point. On the other hand, you were the type to conceal your emotions and thoughts at all costs. What was the point of vocalizing them? Everyone else had too much too worry about. Plus, there was that endless imaginations of the Recon Squad leaders dragging you to the nearest mental hospital.

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You brat, you should at least say 'thank you.'"

"Ah-!" you snapped out of your train of thought. "Sorry, thanks! Thanks a lot, Levi."

He clicked his tongue and gestured to you. Rubbing the back of your head, you followed.

"Where are we going?" you asked almost mindlessly.

"Where the hell do you think?" he raised an eyebrow. "My office. I told you to tell me what's going on. I don't like being curious, and don't you dare try to bullshit your way out of it."

You chuckled at his words. "I guess I'm not as good a hider as I thought."

A quick breath of air escaped his nose. "Not from me, idiot."

"But, you might think I'm," you paused and gulped. "kinda crazy."

He shook his head lightly. "You moron, we're all nuts. Besides, with all the shit we've been through, you think we're gonna come out perfectly sane. If so, you need your brain checked."

Your quiet laugh increased in volume. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, you truly felt relief. He was right. Your thoughts and emotions were on the edge of boiling over inside of you. Had you gone on like this any longer, you might have burst, resulting to even more desperate measures for consolation. Levi was not one to put up with bullshit or nonsense, but since he offered a listening ear, you took that offer. If he grew tired of your complaints, you could make up for it later - ten fold, if needed.

You quickened your walk, so you strolled right at his side. The silence between you was comfortable, peaceful. Your tightened nerves began to unravel despite the endlessly repeating thoughts. You possessed a little ray of hope you could clutch and hold close. You mentally slapped yourself for continuing to smile at the Lance Corporal. Clearing your throat, you glanced away resting a hand on your hip. Still, your eyes shifted back to him, scanning for any kind of reaction.

To your surprise, the corner of his mouth twitched upwards into a crooked smirk, the first hint of a smile you ever witnessed from him.


End file.
